Cash 4 Gold Offers $240 Billion for U.S. Gold Reserves

Cash4Gold, America’s # 1 buyer of precious metals direct from the general public has announced an offer to buy the America’s national gold reserve for the price of $240 billion.

Online PR News – 07-July-2009 – – Pompano Beach, FL ( Onlineprnews ) July 07, 2009 - Cash4Gold, America’s # 1 buyer of precious metals direct from the general public has announced an offer to buy the America’s national gold reserve for the price of $240 billion.

Cash 4 Gold learned of the Obama Administration’s plan to convert the nation’s gold reserves into cash from the Onion News Network. The station broke the story at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner in Washington, D.C. There, scores of political leaders, including the President himself, and dozens of media leaders viewed a T.V. news segment by the Onion announcing the new economic plan.

Appearing on The Onion to explain the government’s plan to work with Cash4Gold (, Deputy Treasury Secretary Edward Kuehnel put an approximate $200 billion price tag on the pure gold that makes up America’s reserve. The remarkable $240 billion offer from Cash4Gold reflects the melt value of the U.S. stockpile, plus an extra 20 percent. Decorative, artistic, historic and sentimental values have no impact on melt value, which refers to the value of the precious metal in an item that a refinery can extract and recycle.

Cash4Gold is paying an additional 20 percent on all items received before July 4 as part of a current promotional campaign called the Cash4Gold Gold Rush ( Buying the U.S. government’s gold would put Cash4Gold at 240,000 percent above its stated goal of buying $100 million in gold by July 4.

The plan to sell the federal gold reserve was the brainchild of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, who apparently came up with the idea after seeing a Cash4Gold commercial on television, the Onion reported.

“Cash4Gold has helped hundreds of thousands of Americans monetize their broken or unwanted jewelry, and we certainly stand ready to serve the American government,” said Cash4Gold CEO Jeff Aronson. “It would not only be a privilege, but a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Cash4Gold to do its patriotic duty by helping bolster the U.S. economy,” Aronson added.

Cash4Gold also offered Treasury Secretary Geithner a seat on its Board of Advisers. “Secretary Geithner has been at center stage during recent months, working tirelessly to improve the economic situation in America,” said Aronson. “We hope that he will accept a position with Cash4Gold’s Board of Advisors, and share with us some of the insights he has gained through his unique experience.”

As Deputy Treasury Secretary Kuehnel told the Onion, the U.S. plan to sell its gold to Cash4Gold has no real risk, since all transactions with Cash4Gold are fully backed by a 100 percent satisfaction guarantee. Cash4Gold customers have 12 days to call or return their checks should they decide not to accept Cash4Gold’s offer. Their goods are then returned at no cost.

As it does with every all materials it receives, Cash4Gold will test the metal using the most sophisticated assaying equipment in the jewelry industry to determine the gold’s weight and purity.

Cash4Gold will likely need to draw upon the efforts of every one of its 300employees to process a shipment of this size. Postal and insurance rates for such a transaction would provide a significant additional economic stimulus for the government—not to mention the cash they would get for their gold.

*This is obviously satire.

About Cash4Gold

Cash4Gold is America’s #1 buyer of precious metals including gold, silver and platinum from the general public, and one of the largest refiners of precious metals in the nation. Hundreds of thousands of satisfied customers have received millions of dollars from Cash4Gold since its inception. Cash4Gold has warned customers that unauthorized businesses are running cash for gold scams ( fraudulently using Cash4Gold’s name and logo in their marketing and storefronts/kiosks. Cash4Gold reminds customers that the company does not operate any stores, and that the only way to do business with the real Cash4Gold is through the website or the toll-free hotlines featured in the company’s official advertisements. To sell your gold, please visit or call 1-877-GOLD-590 for more information..

*This is obviously satire.